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abandonment


growth. i knew the word but didn't know what it meant. i was grown. done. mature.

when i thought of movies, stories i wanted to tell - i could not manage character development. it was alien.

instead there was just being - just events - just existence.

but - somewhere somewhy somehow something is different.

and. i. guess. love. lead. me. to. it. (i am more comfortable with the periods.)

the conclusion is i haven't been able to acknowledge my father's abandonment (i was 8 when my parents divorced) and identify myself as a worthwhile person.

so - i have broken lots (sigh! - no wonder i love Elizabeth Bishop's One Art) of good things along the way to preserve this broken thing.

but finally i am not abraham.

i have sacrificed many other lives - and myself - but i can't kill my children.

my love for them - meaning i want to manufacture the best possible gene delivery systems - has lead me to open doors i haven't wanted to open for 30 years.

my life. tainter's work.

my family collapsed when the my parents investment in the marriage reached a point of diminishing marginal returns.

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